Finally, Feeling Like "Mommy"

For a long time, I did not feel like a mom. I was in "survival mode" - trying to get the basics down, and not really getting to enjoy things. Seth has finally started becoming more of a little person - cooing, smiling, and "talking" in baby talk. Yesterday, as I had my hands full - lugging the baby carrier, diaper bag, camera, and purse I saw my shadow and it really dawned on me that I am a mom. I think the reason it took so long was that I had waited so long for this...seven years - through which there were many ups and downs, disappointments, as well as the loss of our first child. It was hard to believe that my dream finally did come true. I'm very blessed. There is no better feeling in the world then knowing that not only do I help sustain my little guy by feeding him and meeting his basic needs, but I love that he looks for me when I leave the room and seems to genuinely miss me. As the intern at his doctor's office noted yesterday "this baby sure likes to look at his mommy!" Yes, that would be me. =)

The Miracle of Seth

I was pondering the circumstances around Seth's birth, and can see God's hand and plan at work in a mighty way. As you know, Luke and I had been trying to have a baby for the past 7 years. We had gone to multiple specialists and all said we were fine, that it was "unexplained infertility". I called it the "God factor." So, we continued to pray, that God's will be done and that things would come about in His perfect timing, not ours. We didn't feel right trying to force God's hand by taking fertility drugs or doing surgical methods to try and become pregnant so we just waited.

In our early marriage Luke and I set down with a "goals/wish" list for what we wanted in the next five to ten years of our lives. We listed things such as: buy a house, pay off our car, pay down debt, buy a new camera, and have children. We also had a list of our top five dream vacation spots, among them were: California, New York, the Carribean, and Colorado. As we waited for our little bundle of joy (impatiently at times) we slowly began to check things off of the list of desires. Our car was paid off and we had gone to Colorado and California in the first few years of marriage. By our five year anniversary we had a substantial amount of debt paid down, took a trip to NY and the Carribean, and by the end of the year - bought a house. Now, the only thing on our list left was children. Amidst my prayers for a baby, I told the Lord He could have our first child, and even (foolishly) prayed for even a miscarriage to show me we could have a baby. About January of 2007 I had a brief vision of a future son - he looked just like me as a child with curly brown hair and laughing eyes. He was so strong and beautiful, and my only thought was "this is not Gabriel." Strange thought, since Gabriel was what we had agreed to name our first son, but that was nonetheless my main thoughts about it. In March of the same year I found out I was pregnant - I awoke early one morning, at about 3 am with an urgent need to take a pregnancy test. It appeared as though it would be negative so I threw it away and went back to bed. The next morning I awoke and felt I needed to recheck the results, and to my surprise it was positive. However, I did not feel the elation I thought I would feel about getting a positive result, instead an overwhelming sadness came over me as I felt we were going to lose this child. The next day I started bleeding, and over the course of a month and a half we lost our first baby. Although we did not know the gender of the baby, I had a strong feeling it was a boy, and we decided to name him Gabriel David, our angel baby. Through it all I felt God's peace and love, He carried me through some rough months. I finally found healing on my birthday that year, November 25th, which was Gabriel's due date. I realize that even though it wasn't what I had wanted for our family, God was faithful, and He answered my prayers.

My grandma took a bad turn with her health when she had a stroke in late 2007. I felt strongly that we would have a child around the time my grandma passed away, to help my mom cope with the loss. Luke and I decided to start the adoption process, as we had been putting it off for a long time and felt the timing was right to start our family. After completing the majority of paperwork towards the adoption, and completing the first meeting of our home study, we anxiously awaited our child. My grandma passed away in June, and at the same time I took another pregnancy test and found out I was pregnant again. I felt a real peace about this child, and even though there were worries about loss again in the first trimester, Luke prayed about it and God pointed him to Psalm 113:9 "He makes a woman in a childless home a joyful mother." That has become the life verse for this pregnancy.

I received news yesterday that the credit union I have worked for the past five and a half years decided to close my branch. I am going to be laid off on February 27th, the very day I had requested to start my maternity leave. This is significant, because it means not only do I get the money that I was planning to get when leaving for severance, but they are throwing in an additional 5 weeks of pay, plus unemployment benefits. How perfect the timing for everything was, is just incredible! We are very blessed, and I just wanted to share this brief testimony that surrounds the birth of Seth Gabriel Erickson - "Appointed/anointed strong man of God" as his name means, he was definitely appointed for this time in history, and I can't wait to see what he becomes! May God bless you and I hope this serves as a reminder that we serve a faithful God. Although we often travel through life with blinders on, if we hold out our hand and trust God to guide us, He will allow us to accomplish much more than we would have done on our own.

Remembering Gabriel

Today I remember our first baby, Gabriel David Erickson, who would have been one year old today. It is always with mixed feelings that I celebrate my birthday, knowing that a special little one in Heaven was also supposed to share it with me. I told the Lord earlier this year that all I wanted for my golden birthday (today) was a healthy baby and He granted my wish. As I sit hear and marvel at the beautiful life within me, I also think of how life would be so much different if Gabe had survived. I don't yet know what we will name our baby, but I especially like the meaning behind Zachary Gabriel. Zachary means "the Lord remembered" and Gabriel would be a tribute to his brother in Heaven. Together, it also means "The Lord remembered Gabriel" (and gave us another son).

Postponed...

We decided to postpone the adoption process. Why? God decided to send us a little surprise of our own! I found out I'm 4 weeks pregnant, and expected due date is March 9, 2009. I'll keep ya posted!